Dia's Diary: My Mother
Dia's Diary: My Mother
Many transgender people come out as gay first. Dia Fallana is a young transgender woman living in a poor part of Oakland, California. In this page from her audio diary, she tells the story of how her mother's anti-gay attitude kept her in the closet -- until she was forced to tell the truth.
Transcript
[music]
This is Diamani Fallana coming to you, beautiful, sexy. I have childhood memories of playing Barbies with the girls. I never was the sports type of guy. I never played basketball, baseball or football. I was very, "Let's sit with the girls" and play Barbie and play house and play all the games that little girls would play and do all the things that little girls would do because inside I always felt like a little girl. I never have felt like a boy. I've never been interested in playing boy games and doing boy things. That's just never been an interest of mine. I've always been a little girl growing up.
[musical interlude]
For a minute, my mom was like... well, I don't know really how she really felt about it. I don't know if she's scared or whatnot but she would always say... well my brothers would come over, "What this motherf***er that doll is for?"
"Well, he's going to be a good father one day." That would be her excuse. "He can play with dolls. That's OK. That's teaching him how to be a good father."
It all started when I was about nine, ten years old. Me and my mother was sitting down watching Phil Donahue and the show was actually based on gays and lesbians and them coming out to them families and seeing if their families will accept them.
Everybody was pretty much cool with it, if I could remember the show, everybody was cool with their family, you know what I'm saying. It was shocking to a lot of people, but this one story that stuck in my mind. It was about this guy who told his mum and his dad, "Well, I'm gay" and they disowned him. They just like... you know what I'm saying, "Oh, well we... You're not a part of our family anymore." They got really upset and walked off stage.
[musical interlude]
I remember looking up at my mother there. She was sitting on the couch. I was sitting on the floor right next to her. I remember looking up to her and said, "Momma, if I told you I was gay," I said, "would you do me like that?"
I remember her saying, "Yes" and I remember her telling, "Yeah, I would do you like that. I wouldn't want my children. I wouldn't want none of my children to be gay."
Growing up even then I don't even know, you know what I'm saying, pretty much my sexuality. But at the same time, when I started growing into my sexuality and my mother would ask me, you know what I am saying, on certain occasions, "Are you gay? Are you gay? Are you gay?" and I would always be, "No, no, no, I'm not gay. Why do you ask me that? No!" because I've always had that fear since I was a nine-year-child that if I was to do that I would be disowned by my family.
It was kind of a scary thing for a young kid to think if I was to lose my family, then what's going to happen to me? So I kept it a secret for as long as I could stand it.
[musical interlude]
When I was about 16 years old is when I found out about the club with my friend Jason. He used to always take me to the club or what not. We used to always have hella fun and I used to sneak out of my room. I used to close my door because I used to sleep with my bedroom door closed. I would just close my bedroom door and sneak out of my window and come back at three o'clock in the morning.
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One time we went to the club and whatnot and I had snuck out or whatnot. When I came home it was probably about three or four in the morning. I noticed that my window was closed and it was locked. So I had no choice but to get caught because I had to go around.
[musical interlude]
So I went and I knocked on the front door [laughs] and my mom came and she looked out the curtain and she said, "You're not coming in here!"
[musical interlude]
I said, "Momma, why?" she said, "Yeah, you want to sneak out. I'm going to show you what it is to be outside!" and actually closed the curtain and left me outside for like two days.
My momma wanted to know where was I sneaking off to and that's kind of what actually helped me bring it about to her that I was gay because I started around 16 going to the clubs and being on the gay scene and seeing the girls and seeing the boys. You know what I'm saying?
When I finally sat her down we sat at the kitchen table and I finally sat her down and she said, "Well, whether you're gay or not I'm going to love you regardless. If that's how you feel and that's what you choose and that's what makes you comfortable, then I'm comfortable with it."
It kind of shocked me because I was always afraid to really tell her how I feel inside. I was always afraid of what she might say and what my family might think. Thinking back on what was said about Phil Donahue episode, and thinking to how my mother treats me now I really appreciate it and it's a blessing from God that I can have her acceptance. It's a blessing from God that she loves me the way that she does.
[music]
