Glasnost

Glasnost

Transcript

"Mom, dad, I'm gay."
"Mom, dad, I'm a lesbian."
I kept saying it over and over in my head.
I had tried giving my parents hints by putting up a rainbow flag in my room
and wearing rainbow bracelets.
They never really made a move on it, until one night,
when my mom pointedly stared at my rainbow bracelet, and asked,
"Ty chto, lesbianka?"
("Are you a lesbian?")
She said it with such a negative connotation that I was scared to admit it.
I chickened out and said, "do I look gay?"
-- then I practically ran to my room, trying to avoid her.
My heart was beating so fast.
The next day, I was determined to come out.
My dad was standing in the kitchen and my mom was nearby, chopping vegetables.
I had finally gotten them in the same room and this was the moment of truth.
I just hoped that my mom would put her knife down so that she wouldn't accidentally cut herself
or attack me with it.
I kept starting to say the phrase but stopping just before the "gay" part came:
"Mom, dad.. I'm.."
Finally, I said it.
There was a horrible moment of silence
before my mom turned to me, threw up her hands theatrically, the knife still in one of them
and said "I knew it!"
My dad just stayed quiet.
[Mom's and Dad's voices speaking in Russian]
Mom: We were sitting in the same place.. I was sitting right here.
Dad: No, no, we were by the table.
Mom: I was crying here, this is where I was.
Dad: Remember, I was there.
Mom: And then I sat down, I didn't have any strength left to stand.
Dad: And then you said, "I'm gay."
Mom: Really, I could have told judging by your colored sneakers,
and that you were always in the Castro.
I could have guessed why you were going there,
but, still, I didn't know, I thought maybe I was wrong, you know?
Because back then that wasn't something to bring up,
it was scary to say it out loud.
The blackest days of my life.
Some of the blackest days.
Alla: I knew that my parents couldn't handle my coming out on their own.
I wanted them to find other people who had gone through the same thing.
I thought of PFLAG:
a support group for Parents, Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays.
My parents loved the sound of that organisation as soon as they heard it.
They were excited to go and looked forward to it.
When they came back home after the meeting they were all smiles.
[Triumphant music starts softly in the background]
My mom was carrying a box and my dad was holding a big bottle of Martinelli's apple cider --
my favorite.
My mom went to the kitchen and put the box on the table.
Inside was a beautiful chocolate cake.
"Alla, we're so glad that you came out as gay!"
"We're throwing you a party tonight and all your friends can come!"
[Music swells and then abruptly sours and ends]
OK, that's not exactly what happened.
I had known that my coming out would not be good news for my parents
and they would never, ever, throw me a party just because I was queer.
They're immigrants from the Ukraine and alternative sexualities just weren't acceptable there.
[Dad speaking in Russian]
Dad: Honestly, we didn't know what it was, what gay people were.
We heard jokes but we weren't supposed to talk about it.
It wasn't allowed.
It was shameful and, if there were gay people in the Ukraine, they kept it secret.
Alla: I couldn't believe that my parents didn't know about gay people.
How do you not know?
We live in San Francisco, gay people are everywhere!
At first, my parents did not want to go to PFLAG.
My mom thought it was a stupid idea,
that she had nothing in common with "these people"
as she put it
and my dad pretty much agreed.
But somehow, I convinced them to go.
I think it was my constant nagging
and the notes I had posted all over the kitchen
listing the location and time of the PFLAG meeting.
[Mom speaking in Russian]
Mom: We only went because of you.
If it weren't for you we never would have gone.
Alla (to parents): What do you remember from your first meeting?
[Dad speaking in Russian]
Dad: Mom was crying. Crying the whole time.
The coach kept calming her, soothing her.
[Alla speaking with her parents in Russian]
Alla (to Dad): You never told me that.
[Dad and Mom speaking in Russian]
Dad: Yeah, she was crying all the time.
Mom: I couldn't even stop. Next to me sat a guy and he gave me tissues.
I still have the tissues in my jacket. They're still there,
like souvenirs.
Alla: Aw, that's so cute.
It's been almost two years since I came out to my parents.
A lot of things have changed.
Including my parents' attitude about going to PFLAG.
[Dad and Mom speaking in Russian]
Dad: No, no, PFLAG is OK. It calms you, makes you feel better.
Mom: It's a wonderful thing, a wonderful idea!
It's a great organisation!
It's not "OK",
it's much more.
Alla: And they still keep coming to the meetings,
every second Sunday of the month from 2 to 4 pm.
[Alla speaking to her parents in Russian]
Alla (to Mom): What's your favorite thing about going to PFLAG?
[Dad and Mom speaking in Russian]
Mom: I love listening to people telling their stories.
I'm interested... how do people live?
Dad: You learn about things that you would never hear in real life,
and it widens your horizons.
Alla: Of course, things are not perfect.
My parents still have trouble dealing with my being queer sometimes
my mom especially because she wishes I could just find a boyfriend
and be happy with that.
[Dad and Mom speaking in Russian]
Mom: All mothers dream of seeing their daughters in a white wedding dress.
Even in PFLAG,
all the mothers they worry that they'll never see their daughters dressed like that,
standing next to a groom in a black suit.
Alla: Oh mom, you'll see me in a wedding dress!
Mom: Yeah, but next to you won't be the groom.
Dad: Good luck. [laughs]
Alla [laughing]: Good luck.
Alla: They've come a long way,
and they're still working on accepting some things.
[Dad speaking in Russian]
Dad: We understand it exists, but it's hard for us.
If you meet a girl and you love each other,
we understand in our heads, but... it's hard to accept it inside.
But that's ok,
that's how it should be.
Alla: One evening, not too long ago,
I invited my girlfriend Irina home.
My parents were very happy to meet her.
My mom made her prezhnitzi, a Ukranian dish,
and kept asking Irina if she wanted another pickle or tomato
or something to drink.
Afterwards I told my mom how happy I was that she was so kind and welcoming to my girlfriend.
My mom stared at me, confused, and finally said,
"Why wouldn't I be? You're our daughter, she's your girlfriend,
and you're happy."
For outLoud Radio this is Alla Pekareva.